Romantically Illiterate on the UWS

Out in Los Angeles, or what I like to call the “real world,” attraction is an easy concept to qualify: he asked for my number, he tried to kiss me, I gave him my number, we flirted, he told me he thought I was pretty. On the Upper West Side, all those very basic signs that let me know I am desirable in the secular world go out the window. On the UWS, I am romantically illiterate.

I can stand in a room of hundreds of young Jewish singles (ages 25-35, approximately) and truly believe that no one is interested in knowing me, romantically or otherwise. In my many brief UWS experiences, people never approach strangers, choosing instead to meander from acquaintance to acquaintance, exchanging niceties, and complaining to close friends that they wish the new faces in the room approached them or that the new faces would be amenable to being approached. No wonder insecurity spreads like a pandemic through the avenues of the Upper West Side! Each trip I take to “the scene,” I find myself second-guessing my social skills. Forget about whether or not I am attractive, am I socially adept? I barely succeed to add five new names to my list of “approachable acquaintances!”

The good news is, out in the “real world,” I know I am both attractive and socially proficient, and because of the confidence that goes along with recognizing both of these truths, I keep sending myself back to “the scene” in the hopes that I will meet someone worthwhile in spite my UWS illiteracy and the stunted and peculiar social norms of the UWS.

On this most recent trip, I did succeed in uncovering a few interesting insights into the UWS mentality that might help me in the future…

It is self evident that the eligible men on the UWS are afraid of approaching women. Why? Well, due to the overwhelming number of eligible women and the, unfortunately, poor offering of eligible men on the UWS, the men are pegged on a hierarchy based on a number of dateable factors (such as looks, financial means, intelligence, socially aptitude/cool, and overall desirability). All the eligible women believe that they deserve a man at the top of this hierarchy. And, if the eligible women are approached by a gentlemen of whom they have no knowledge or previous encounters, they are afraid that this stranger is nothing better than an awkward third, forth, or fifth to the finest (or most player-esque) single men on the UWS. They want “better.”

Instead of accepting the approach as complimentary, and figuring out the desirability of the new face over a drink or a conversation in shul, the eligible female thwarts the courageous come-on with palpable disinterest, or an urgent need to meet up with a friend across the room. Consequently, the non-“players” on the Upper West Side have learned not to approach women. And women are left lonely and wondering how to get a date.

So how do people meet, how are matches made? Very reminiscent of the good ol’ shtettle days, the UWS has reinvented the matchmaker. The modern matchmaker is a peer who is somehow connected to both an interested individual and the object of his/her interest. In other words, if a girl sees a guy and finds him attractive, she finds a friend or a friend of a friend to set the two of them up on a blind date. And so the matchmaker is reborn.

The problem with this new matchmaker system is that the hierarchy still exists, as does the rampant self-esteem crisis. As a result, singles of both genders fall into a commitment-phobic warp and become chronic daters, jumping from date to date, trying to work their way up this strange hierarchal design of the UWS. I wonder how people live in this environment year after year and maintain a sense of self and self-worth without becoming too easy or too sad. I don’t know that I am cut out for such a life even though I am willing to return to “the scene” again and again in the hopes of meeting that one person who makes it worthwhile.

To all the singles on the UWS, I wish you the best of lucky and the most unique of praises. I believe that I am capable of a lot, but, in some ways, you are stronger than I am. You endure a strange sort of struggle on a daily basis that I could not withstand. May you all succeed in retaining your sense of self and never feel compelled to compromise yourself in order to feel valued.

I look forward to sharing with you additional insights into the UWS as I uncover them. In time, maybe I will be able to school myself in the ways of the UWS and no longer think of myself as an illiterate stranger in a land of perfectly dressed, albeit, socially inept singles.

September 11, 2009

I find myself in New York on the anniversary marking eight years since horrible and unforgettable terror was unleashed on US soil. Eight years later, and existing at least three degrees of separation from any of the casualties of the attack, I still feel a powerful and surreal, if not an eerily personal, connection to the infamous events of September 11, 2001.

On that day, in the moments that I watched the second plane rip through the second twin tower, and in the seconds that followed- watching the twin pillar manifestation of US greatness collapse, my world changed. The foreign concept of subterfuge and terror, invaded my reality. And in those first few minutes of the attack, my deeply seeded patriotism burgeoned into an uncontrollable and unflagging love for this country.

The day that the terrorist threat to US security was unveiled as an actuality, America’s greatness was revealed. And on the day that Americans learned of the malevolence of people such Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and Zacarias Moussaoui, we also came to learn of the unique and exceptional unity of the American people. On 9/11, we came together under one flag, as one people; in support of our heroic responders, in grief over comrades lost, we were unified by our love for this country, our liberties and our fellow man.

And now, eight years later, I cannot help but well-up in tears as New Yorkers gather at the site of the attack, reading the names of all those who lost their lives in pursuit of the American dream. Every single name read reflects a unique member of the American population who contributed to our society and our greatness. The first responders, in particular, represent the best of what we can be. They were the embodiment of the greatness that is within us all.

I weep still at the thought of family members being torn apart by the evil, terrorist villains. The cruelty of that act, the hatred that propelled the terrorist plot frightens me to my core. Such hatred is beyond my understanding.

More than anything, 9/11/2001 will forever be seared into my memory as the day in which hatred clawed at the infrastructure of America, razing our buildings, but failing to keep America’s essence of virtue and comradery from lighting up the world.

I hope and pray that the families of all those injured or murdered on September 11, 2001 find peace. May they find solace in the fact that the memories of their loved ones, their stories of heroism and courage, will be passed on from parent to child for all of time.

Tocqueville the Prophet

In 1831, Alexis De Tocqueville visited the United States of America in order to assess the prison system here. During the nine months spent traveling through the US, Tocqueville took note of more than our prisons; he examined the strengths and weaknesses of America. Tocqueville’s Democracy in America, first published in 1833, is a celebrated and prominent work that sets in print the conclusions Tocqueville drew during his time in the US. Fundamentally, Tocqueville’s conclusion was that the US was a successful democracy unparalleled by its European associates.

Even prior to the Civil Rights Movement and the many judicial and legislative statues of the 1900’s that ushered in equality and social welfare, the US was a great nation. Unlike European countries, the United States was built on a foundation of religion for the purpose of building a life better for our children than we, ourselves, had. Moreover, Tocqueville noted the US was blessed with leaders who cared more about their constituents than their party.

In the same breath that he praised the US for its many unique strengths, Tocqueville also spoke forebodingly of the characteristics that could ruin the US, including an excessive love for equality. This seemingly honorable trait could, according to Tocqueville, drive men and women away from the unity and purpose at the core of the country. Instead, people would become increasingly materialistic and concerned with “self.” As equality increases, people begin to believe that they deserve the same wealth as everyone else in their society, despite difference in work ethic and training. Ultimately, the pursuit of self-interested agendas, such as wealth, comes at the cost of liberty.

And look where we are today. The prophetic accuracy of Tocqueville’s warning is frightening. We are a nation in debt; a lazy nation; a nation that criticizes the fundamentals of our society that we once venerated. “In God we trust,” “One nation, under God,” “God who gave us life gave us liberty.” These phrases should inspire people. These phrases are at the root of what makes this country great. We are all equal under God. Without God, under what measure are we equal? Based on society’s current value system, God has been replaced by a measure of wealth. The economy crumbled partially as the result of over spending in our pursuit of equal wealth. Exchanging God for money is not paying off.

Not only has our economy depressed as a result of our new focus, but also our entire value system has been transformed. Latest statistics released by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention show that 40% of infants born in the United States were born to unwed mothers. As a society were are no longer dedicated to creating a complete family unit consisting of two parents (irregardless of gender or race). Are we putting our children first? We are not ensuring that our students succeed in school, as our performance rates continue to plummet. And what have we done to improve the health of our youth? Obesity is become an increasingly pervasive problem among our students.

We are also no longer a religious country. According to the American Religions Identification Survey, the number of Americans identifying as Christian has dropped by 10% since 1990, and 15% of Americans give no thought to religious identity, whatsoever.

The irony of our current state is that as our quality of life improved, we have become increasingly apathetic and content to be dependent on the government. The government makes too many decisions on our behalf, and the leaders do so with little regard for the best interest of their constituents. Our representatives and government leaders represent the political parties, corporations and interest groups that support them. As a result, the government is influencing free market banking, pursuing universal health care, and creating far too many overly indulgent social welfare programs. In short the government is controlling our destiny.

We Americans have confused liberty with equality, and in doing so, we have surrendered our power to the government. With increased control, the government will make us the same. Government institutions will be our equalizers. But the American way has never before been about equal, as in the same. America has always stood for the right to the same opportunities. We are all free to pursue the same ends; we are not all the same. I want the liberty to be responsible for my own failures and successes. I want the liberty to make my own way- to work for what I want and to earn what I have.

In this vein, I want a political party and a set of leaders capable of inspiring the nation to be better than we are today. To turn back time and get in touch with the unique characteristics that made the US the envy of the world.

We are a country built on the sweat of immigrants, the brilliance of our founders, and the courage of a proud people unafraid to work and daring enough to be better than the rest of the world. Let us not forget from where our power stems, and may we be brave enough today to reclaim our collective heritage and as one people take back the right to control our own destiny.

I Don't Know

I Don’t Know

Clarity was something that did not used to elude me. I knew what I wanted; I knew how to obtain it. Even the world seemed to make more sense. Getting a job, an internship, an opportunity could be virtually guaranteed by satisfying the specified requirements. I knew how to operate in this controlled system. Today, I live life with great uncertainties. Caught between indecision and an increasingly tenuous social, geopolitical and economic environment, I am nearly paralyzed. How do I proceed when I don’t know what I want? Moreover, even if I could identify a particular pursuit, achieving it would be difficult if at all possible.

In trying to focus long enough to compose this blog entry, I am compelled to try to approach my dilemma with logic. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs seems like a decent means of evaluating my life’s deficiencies and drives. Upon assessment, I recognize that I have satisfied my physiological, esteem, and self-actualization needs. Somehow, I have satisfied higher needs without satisfying some of my more basic needs. When it comes to the needs of safety and belonging, I am deficient.

In order to satisfy these unattained needs, I need to determine the appropriate geographic location and field to pursue without compromising my other needs. So how do I determine what motivates me? How do I determine what will enable me to feel secure while allowing me to feel enlightening, accomplished and benevolent? How do I not feel overwhelmed and lost by the realization that a month before turning 25 I am completely unsure about everything? The only thing of which I am sure, is that I want to be a part of something worthwhile; to contribute to something that’s legacy is replete with contributions made and results realized. I want to make a difference and contribute to the positive transformation of our world.

But how do I achieve this? As of now, I just don’t know.

Growing Pains

Even though science has never established evidence to support the correlation between pain and growth, there were many nights in my youth that I suffered from awful pain in my legs. Even if science does not acknowledge its existence, both of my parents did. Those nights during which the backs of my legs were tight and sore, I was experiencing growing pains. Growth, apparently, is sometime accompanied by pain. It makes complete sense to me that growing to the incredible height of 5’2” would be brutal. All great feats are achieved with some struggle and suffering, after all.

And so it is in my 20’s. I continue to experience growing pains. Only these pains no longer pull at the muscle tissue of my legs, rather at the muscle tissue of my heart. These are the growing pains of turning a 5’2” girl into an adult. Had I known that I would come to experience aches such as these, I probably would have resigned myself to stay a child forever. I guess that’s why life does not come with a warning label; it would discourage participation.

This last week has forced me to face truths in others and myself. Greed, insecurity, self-centeredness, untrustworthiness, indiscretion, while my companions and I are all recognized as being laudable people, we are not perfect. Although this conclusion would not surprise most, it does pain me. In spite of the worldly, erudite persona I project, I am naïve and foolish. I assume a level of infallibility in all of my friends. We are human and young and so imperfect, and yet, I have always clung to the belief that my friends are mostly without flaws. I have mistakenly always seen the goodness in my peers without seeing any of the attributes that make them more human, their flaws and weaknesses.

My growth this week has been twofold. Firstly, I have had to face the imperfections in my friends. Secondly, I have had to reevaluate myself and how I respond to their humanness. Instead of allowing errors to mar my vision of my friends, I am working on myself so that I can see both flaw and finery concurrently in the same individuals.

Growing hurts. But like stature, great relationships are borne out of struggles and suffering. And like height, maturation is worth the pain.

Friends and Finance

My life has been blessed with a myriad of wonderful opportunities and experiences. At the core of many of these amazing encounters has been the presence of incredible people, people that I am lucky to call my friends. Most of my friends fall between the ages of 23 and 27. We are relatively new to the workforce or finishing up our education. We are optimists. Being raised in times of relative prosperity and comfort has made us soft and naïve and very unprepared for our current economic climate. We all assumed that upon entering the workforce we would be overnight successes. Armed with our often expensive, and equally often mediocre educations, we took on the job market and the world.

This last year, and last few months in particular, has been disarming for us all. This dose of reality, known in the media as the economic crisis, has changed our concept of reality. We are not nearly as assured in our ability to conquer the workforce as we had been. Instead, we consider ourselves lucky to be employed. A number of people in my group of friends are now unemployed. We have also learned that we cannot depend on the government. Because of the government, we will probably never see social security and we are becoming further entrenched in debt with every passing day. The one thing that has become apparent during this difficult period is that we can depend on each other.

I do not know if psychological or sociological studies exist studying the impact recessions have on social structures, but I speculate that any such study would reflect that during periods of recession, people become closer and more dependent. Merely as a means of developing connections and pursuing fiscal opportunities, networking becomes increasingly important during more challenging times. Having emotional support during these periods is also a necessity; people need each other. We bolster one another when the economy’s infrastructure bows under the weight of a strained market. In some ways, this is the silver thread that lines all periods of distress.

Especially of late, when so many of us are guilty of distancing ourselves from our surroundings through the use of i-pods and cell phones, the revival of human connection is powerful. When we are forced to cut back on our spending, we exchange new gadgets for picnics with friends, people over property.

Hopefully, as we rejoin humanity on a more personal level, we will exchange ideas, giving rise to a new generation of products and innovations that will generate a rebirth of our economy. Through conversations and relationships we will create a world rich in funds and equally rich in friends.